New Blog Design

Finally, i redesign my blog to the design i wanted for years. Maybe some of you know, if we have a perfect design in our blog, the motivation to write and post something here is increasing. The passion started to boiling again, inspiration can easily come, and your mood will be "on the zone" more often to build your blog more alive. I really happy to see this blog development as i looking at my life development itself. Of course, this blog started with no direction to become a blog that everyone can read. It's started because for myself only at the begining. I thought i've been lost insterested back in the day, but now, i think having a blog is quite important to my life (maybe for anothers too). Anyway, i really glad i can make this blog feels alive again with the a slight new design and i can wait to see how far we are going to grow. Together.

SPACES

*Spaces*

It’s been (maybe) a month from the last post before. How am I ?.. rusted. Rusted in my room. Well technically, its my grand mom’s room. Maybe its just a month from where I began to tell what happen on me. But actually, after I counted, its been 5 months, 5 Fucking months! I do nothing for my life. I didn’t starting something, I didn’t feels like living, and I admitted it, Something’s gonna change here. Something needs to be invented. Re-build.

Being hit by reality, that I’m actually feeling lonely, a little bit grumpy, lack of happiness, kinda off balanced. Now, I know what it feels like, that dreams and hope are scary things to think about. The bigger the dreams and hope is, the scarier it would be.

Now I know, why some people didn’t expect much from their dreams and hopes. Why some people seems like didn’t want to even think about it and underestimate these things. It’s becoming rusted on your soul. Dragging you into nowhere. Until you lost.

Are you willing to give up your life, into nothing ? where you lost your motivation, you lost your directions, you lost your control, your power, your ability or maybe until you have nothing to bragging about and then *pooft* you stop. You do nothing. You have nothing. Then actually, you become nothing. Not even close to become ”something”.

   

I thought I just need a month up to couple months to make some spaces in my life. Time flies huh?

Sometimes I realized something, when we do things that really matter to our life, God give us more time in your life ( maybe so we can continuing do that more longer  in this world ). But when you do something that unnecessary, time speed up fast. Really fast.

From the beginning of a month, now is already fifth month since I think about it.

I thought it would be a space between my sentences of my story. But now it became spaces to a paragraph. Or maybe for a new pages. I don’t know. All I know, I just make a big hole in my lifetime. 

Brand New Adventure.

The First of the end.

Setelah hampir 6 bulan lamanya mencoba dan terus mencoba untuk menyelesaikan skripsi, 3,5 tahun mengarungi kehidupan kuliah akhirnya datanglah sebuah akhir yang membahagiakan. Dinyatakan lulus dengan nilai B. Yep, lulus, selesai, I got my freedom back (really?). 

To be honest,  semenjak semester 3 dimulai, ide untuk keluar dari lingkungan pendidikan konvensional mulai merasuki jiwa ini. I did it good at the first, but in the middle years i feel something missing. Merasa ada sesuatu hal yang lebih penting untuk dilakukan, lebih penting untuk dibuktikan dan dilaksanakan. Bukan hanya sekedar menuliskan kembali apa yang kita baca untuk sekedar mencari nilai bagus dan mencoba mengalahkan nilai dari orang lain yang “membaca” kondisi dan situasi dari seorang dosen (yang secara realita sedikit membuat kecewa orang yang benar-benar membaca). Bukan hanya belajar didalam ruang kelas yang dalam jangka waktu lama kita bisa menganggap kuliah hanyalah sebuah LES belaka.

Hal pertama yang saat memasuki dunia perkuliahan adalah bahwa semua hal yang akan gue lakukan pada tahap itu akan menghantarkan gue pada sebuah realita kehidupan yang sesungguhnya. Ini bukan tahap dimana sistem dan kebudayaan kehidupan akan sama seperti pendidikan 6 tahun sebelumnya.

Dengan mindset seperti itu, gue lakukan semua dengan penuh rencana, menghadapi  semua resiko yang akan datang.  I wasn’t set it for cum laude, just a little bit above the good average. Karena opini gue adalah bahwa nilai bukanlah sebuah “nilai” yang sesungguhnya. Tapi karena kebutuhan legalitas, I have to proof it that I can get good GPA score too.

So, I started my journey with a plans. I take it really seriously at the first and second semester. The result is quite good, tapi meninggalkan sebuah pola yang membekas. I already know how to get a good grade. Ketika gue udah tau dengan sebuah pola itu, semua hal yang gue pikirkan sejak awal berubah. Gue berpikir bahwa kuliah adalah tempat ketika nanti lulus kita bisa menambah nilai dari diri kita. Baik itu ilmu, koneksi dan keahlian lainnya. All I care is that added value. Jadi apa gunanya kalo kita hanya mengejar nilai bagus tapi ga punya skill atau pengalaman selama kuliah. Where are the money goes ? such a waste.

I keep searching for that value. That’s what I believe.

Semester berikutnya gue mendaftar program kelas unggulan, karena sistem belajarnya yang berbeda dengan kelas reguler selama semester sebelumnya. Ini adalah pilihan untuk seterusnya sampai lulus. Banyak rumor yang beredar dalam sistem pembelajaran dan budaya yang ada di kelas unggulan ini. Dari resiko turunnya IPK sampai dengan tidak bisa bersosialisasi karena saking banyaknya tugas dan presentasi. Selain itu juga (sebenarnya) banyak saingan dari mahasiswa ber-IPK tinggi yang direkomendasikan masuk dalam program ini. But, I just give it try (you never know if you never try). What makes me shock is, I easily got into the program because many “smart” student rejected to join the program. The reasons ? they can’t take the risk. That’s why.

I was thinking to Droping Out of collage if I cant get that program. Its obvious. Untuk apa gue ada dikampus kalo gue udah tau cara buat dapetin nilai bagus tanpa meningkatkan nilai dari diri gue. Kelas unggulan adalah pilihan akhir gue untuk bisa mendapatkan “nilai” yang gue cari.

Fast forward, I got in. Setelah gue pikir, gue ga menyesali keputusan gue untuk memilih option ini. Mungkin Kalo Allah ga ngasih semua kemungkinan yang membuat gue berada dijalur itu, gue ga ngerti lagi hidup gue kaya apa (mungkin gue udah DO-kan diri).

It’s been awesome time in excellent class. I never regret for this 2,5 year on the program. Gue bertemu dengan orang-orang pintar dalam bidangnya, orang-orang yang benar-benar belajar tentang semua hal yang ada disekitarnya, dan lingkungan yang membuat diri gue bisa berkembang. Diri gue terbentuk dengan situasi dan kondisi yang ada disana. Walaupun pada akhirnya semua memang kembali pada diri masing-masing dalam menilai kondisi yang ada pada saat itu.

Did I get the value?

Yes, absolutely yes

But there’s something that pulling me down..

Skripsi

I don’t really know why, this thing is bothering me enough until now. Padahal keliatannya dari jauh bikin skripsi cuma kaya bikin laporan penelitian biasa. Well, that is half right, its turn out, another half things is really annoying and I tended to the bad side (I think).

I’m not a detailed person to be honest. But when it comes to something important in my life, I can be worried about a little things that bothered me. Skripsi menurut gue bukanlah hal yang memaksa diri gue untuk menjadi orang yang detail. Jadi makin banyaklah revisi dan permasalahan skripsi gue yang kadang bikin stak baik progress skripsinya maupun hidup gue. That’s sucks.

It’s really dragging me down. Pertama, gue berada di masa dimana semangat gue untuk kuliah mulai berkurang (sangat). Kedua, gue berada diambang pilihan yang membuat hati gue harus bisa memilih salah satu keputusan yang menurut gue cukup berat. Some says, “when you’re confused, listen to your heart”. But my heart is split up. Jujur aja emang ada dua sisi, dan dua-duanya mempunyai pertimbangan yang sama. In one side, I have to finish my study because want to help my parents and make them proud. On the other side, I really have a dream to be a man who shape the world ( if I can say so ) in the things I like.

There’s no way to choose abandoned my study to pursue my dream or buried my dreams away just to finish the study. So I decided to choose an alternate choices that try to grab them both. The risk? I know its hard, and it will cost my heart.

So I decided to finish my study first, forget the dreams away for awhile and rebuild again after (this is the risk)

Fast forward, during my time working on my thesis, I do nothing else beside working on my (stuck) thesis. Boredom as hell. Really, I just trying, trying to think how is my thesis could finished. Nothing else matter.  

Fast forward again, I passed the exam, good.. one big problem solved. But wait, something kick in..

Things I scared about is about to coming. Remember the dreams I hold and forget for awhile?

Its gone.

Just like some stuff you put it away and then when you want to have it back, its not in the same place again.

Until now, I still really missing something that can burn my heart, that makes me feel alive again. Everything seems to be wrong.

Maybe now, I just already swollen the bitter pill of the choice I make… that risk.

So, here i am now, searching for the dreams and searching for the lost part of me. I think thats my brand new adventure.